Ancient AV Aliens

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Crew Call

By Joel Rollins

I’m back from ISE in Amsterdam, and after a blizzard upon my return, I am finally having time to reflect on the experience at ISE. Because, you see, I made an amazing discovery at the show: I Am Not Alone.

Let me explain by beginning with a confession. I have a vice, one that civilized, educated people rarely admit. At the show, I made the startling discovery that there are others like me in the industry, and it has given me the courage to admit my problem. Although I pulled the plug on broadcast television two years ago, seeking to watch only educational programming, I have a shameful addiction.

I watch “Ancient Aliens” on the History Channel.

For those of you who haven’t seen the show (or those who just won’t admit it) the premise is simple: Everything unexplained in the history of this planet MAY HAVE been the result of alien interference in human culture. And I do mean ANYTHING unexplained… the dinosaur extinction, the mysteries of the pyramids, the Facebook IPO — all are the result of extraterrestrial influences. The show is populated with a series of educators, writers and publishers who share one characteristic: They are “Ancient Astronaut Theorists” (read: UFO Nuts). Chief among them, or at least most typical of them, is Giorgio Tsoukalos, publisher of “Legendary Times” Magazine.

Giorgio is memorable for two reasons — first, his watery-eyed, manic enthusiasm for all “theories” that involve the idea that aliens have been in touch with humans all throughout history, that the government is covering up that fact, and that Carrot Top is their current leader. Second is his hair, which is the stuff of which Internet legends are made.

giorgio-0213Nobody has yet offered a really plausible reason for Giorgio’s high-voltage coiffure, but I think I have one, after four years of study. I think the style was established the first time he saw a TV camera, and quickly ripped off the crumpled tinfoil with which he usually shields himself from alien mind control rays. But that’s just my theory. Human Beings must reach deep inside themselves, and decide what they believe.

OK, so that’s my confession. But this bad habit may have actually helped me realize the answers to some of the mysteries I have puzzled over for a long, long time.

You see, I have become an “Ancient AV Aliens Theorist.” I think many of the anomalies in the “AV Universe” may be explained by alien interference in our technological culture.

Minds open now, humans. Just consider:

HDCP:

Remember when matching a display to a source just took matching up a signal format and resolution? Now, it seems like we must also talk them into getting along socially. We now need to compare software versions, historical production dates and material requirements. Making the system work now feels like supervising a play date between cranky toddlers.

Which brings me to my theory:

Isn’t it just possible that HDCP was planted in our equipment by aliens, in order to limit our communications capability during their invasion of our planet?

(Author’s note: In keeping with the format of the TV show, I will draw no conclusions — just ask vague questions. This not only leaves it up to you, the intelligent reader, to decide what you believe, it also really cuts down on this author’s research time.)

3D:

Let me ask you this: Have you not found yourself, at times, wearing 3D eyewear and wondering why? I know I have, at virtually every demonstration. This insidious compulsion has caused me to consider a number of possibilities.

Let’s face it — there really isn’t that much to be excited about with the current crop of 3D televisions. So could it have another, more sinister purpose? Could all the hype be about getting us to put on alien hypnotic eyewear? Personally, I “theorize” that it is for one of two purposes:

First, it could be to mess with our vision and depth perception, giving us headaches and rendering us unable to fight back effectively when the Overlords from Orion invade.
Or, 3D could just be an alien attempt to drive us into a sense of futility and despair.
Either way, the plot is well underway, and seems to be succeeding on both fronts.

Twitter:

This one is just so obvious that I can see Giorgio frantically replacing the tinfoil.
COME ON, humans — we are being prepared to accept cryptic communication, whose source we are often unsure of, and to react to it as if our membership in society depends on it — which it may, if my “theory” is correct. What is a Flash Mob if not a demonstration of our willingness to become an unthinking part of a hive entity?
Remember, what is their goal? That we become “Followers,” right? Case closed. Bear in mind, TMTYL = “Take me to your leader.”

Pico Projectors:

I sensed the alien influence the first time one of my favorite reps reached into his briefcase and handed me one. I contemplated it for quite a while before I looked up and in a hushed whisper asked, “But… but why?”

Answer: Aliens are tiny, have huge eyes that are sensitive to extremely dim, small pictures, and want us to have projectors ready for them when they get here.

I could go on, and mention other signs of extraterrestrial malevolence, (like the Windows 8 interface), but let’s just leave it at this: From now on, whenever one of my manufacturers hands me a piece of technology for which there is no obvious reason, I’ll know what’s up. And there will only be one way to react.

Joel RollinsPass the tinfoil, Giorgio.

rAVe Rental [and Staging] contributor Joel R. Rollins, CTS, is general manager of Everett Hall Associates, Inc. and is well known throughout the professional AV industry for his contributions to industry training and his extensive background in AV rental, staging and installation. Joel can be reached at  joelrollins@mac.com