It’s been a while since I’ve searched for blog inspiration amongst the dreadful spam emails I get from would-be vendors.

There are two key reasons for that.

The first is that I’ve been busy.

The second is the new Clutter folder in Outlook for Windows 10.

To Microsoft’s credit, the Clutter folder has done an admirable job of hiding away all the unsolicited emails I don’t want to read.

It does occasionally hide away emails that I do want to read, but that’s another story.

Regardless, browsing through the messages I get from people who want to sell me stuff, some stand out.

I liked how this one was both hopeful and downright cheerful:

Dear Friend,
How are you? [redacted] is a professional inspection and audit company from Hong Kong. We are so glad to have your name and sincerely hope to establish business relationship with your company. You will get our better service with very reasonable price. Any questions and concerns please do not hesitate to contact with us anytime. Looking forward to your inquiry. Thank you!

How nice! This is a nice contrast to all the ones that straight up get right down to business.

No greeting. No well wishes. Nothing but a price list of apparently random products.

How can I resist a vendor with the words BEST SELLERS in their gmail address?

Very easily, as it happens.

Then there are the ones who try to hook me in with The Urgent Deadline:

Only 3 days left!

We are launching on April 18, 2016, Monday 5:00AM EST.
Make sure to mark your calendar to get your early bird discount!

I’ll get right on that.

Then there are the ones that are completely ridiculous:

Hi Lee,

Good morning!
I was referred to you by my friend at [vendor name redacted]
My name is [redacted], I am the cmo & co-founder of [redacted]
Allow me to introduce you to one of our best selling products called [redacted] – The Flexible Mount (funded on Kickstarter).
Lightweight and portable. [redacted] is the ideal accessory for your smartphone, action camera and tablet.

Nice try, pretending that you were referred to me by a mutual acquaintance, without actually naming them.

And my favorite of all, this one, which was downright presumptuous:

Hi Lee,

We’re a small, Colorado-based design team that has released several new products recently. Up until now, we haven’t opened up to sales outside of our website as we have been selling solely direct. That being said, we’re now starting discussions with distributors and resellers.

The first product we are interested in selling to distributors and resellers is [redacted], an Apple Watch and iPhone charging dock. It can be seen here: [redacted]

If we worked with your team, what would your initial plan be to bring our product to your customers? Additionally, if you are interested in [redacted], what would you envision for the size of your first order?

I’m sorry, am I being interviewed here?

So, let me get this straight, you’re going to cold-call me with an email and ask me what my marketing plan would be?

There’s the metaphorical door, you can show yourself out, please.

If there’s any of you out there who are contemplating reaching out to potential new partners by email, consider these object lessons in What Not To Do.