I’ve been trying to put this post together for a few weeks. And, this will be the fourth time I’ve scrapped the earlier version and started from scratch.  So, what’s the deal with this post?  You may know I write about women’s issues.  Mostly, I post about the Women in AV and what amazing work the women (and men) in our industry do to support and encourage women to further their careers and recruit more members! Wahoo!!!

Well, the article — and subsequent online firestorm — that’s been created by Dr. Anne-Marie Slaughter’s 2012 July/August Atlantic piece, “Why Women Still Can’t Have It All” struck me in such a personal way, it’s been nearly impossible to wrap my mind around what to say.  More pointedly, it’s been impossible to reconcile my feelings that for the very first time, a woman has publicly spoken out about the very challenges of a work/life balance I’ve personally struggled with the past two years. And, it’s blown me away how viciously she’s been attacked for doing so.  Sadly, a large part of the aggression have come from other women.

Who is this lady, you ask?!  Dr. Anne-Marie Slaughter, was the first-ever female Director of Policy Planning for the U.S. State Department under Senator Hillary Clinton.  She is an international lawyer and has taught at Harvard University and has tenure at Princeton University, and was also the former Dean of the Woodrow Wilson School of Public Administration and International Affairs.  When it comes to what a young lady can look up to when wanting to achieve the highest professional success, Dr. Slaughter is everything we would want and wish for in a role model and inspiration.

But, Slaughter left her high-paying, high-ranking government job so she could focus more time and energy on — wait for it — her family.  She opted out of Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg’s famous and sincere TED Talk for how women should approach work/life balance and “Don’t Leave Before You Leave”.  Meaning, women have three simple rules they need to follow if they want to be fulfilled, both professionally and personally.

Instead of being commended for her outstanding career accomplishments, the honors she’s received or that she chose her family over her own personal ambition — people immediately attacked Slaughter in every possible way. This one person had somehow let down all of womanhood because, for her, being a wife and a mom is more important than climbing the career ladder.  Comment after comment, blog after blog say things about Slaughter, such as she’s bogus, foolish, not a real woman, setting women back, and out of touch with reality because she has choices.

In many ways, I can relate to Dr. Slaughter in the difficult decision she made about whether pursuing her own individual dreams was costing her the life that will bring her and her family true happiness.  I am incredibly blessed and grateful for the opportunities and accomplishments I’ve had as a professional and I wouldn’t change it for the world.  But, here’s what I don’t have. I live 3,500 miles away from my family and can’t spend time with my girlfriends for a girl’s night out.  I can’t be at my nephew or nieces’ soccer games and birthday parties or spend time in the garden I grew up with and love. Let alone, not yet having a family of my own. I’m not whining — these are the choices I’ve made.   But, this imbalance wasn’t something I was even aware I was creating.

Like anyone, in my 20s and early 30s I felt a need to prove myself and to learn all I could about AV and being a professional.  I was determined, ambitious and accepted any and every assignment that came my way.  At 24, I moved by myself from Massachusetts to pursue a career in Silicon Valley.  Because, isn’t that every high-tech geek’s dream place to be?  The first time I realized something was amiss was when I won the 2010 InfoComm Young AV Professional Award.  It was the biggest honor of my life and I was so overwhelmed to be selected.  But, it wasn’t quite the same feeling to share the news over the telephone phone or have someone special to go out and celebrate with.

I’ve realized in the last two years I’ve placed such a high importance on pursuing my professional goals, but have never given that same kind of time, dedication and energy to my personal dreams and wishes.  And, I don’t think I am alone.  More and more young women are pursuing high-demanding careers that lead to difficult sacrifices. We are pushing more and more for women to join STEM industries, and more women are choosing to wait to marry and have children, if at all.

This is all wonderful, but are we also considering the potential and unintended consequences?  When a woman such as Dr. Slaughter decides to leave the hamster-wheel, she now gets berated for making a personal choice that is the best for her and her family.  That is what bothered me the most: people automatically assume that because she has had a successful career, she somehow can’t have challenges or feel they come at a price. Sometimes, very significant ones.

And, regardless of how you may wish it to be, every time women go out and get hostile about inequality, the message is completely lost.  This has nothing to do with men trying to keep women down whenever they speak up.  NOBODY wants to deal with an irate person who thinks they’re the only one who could possibly know it all.  Because NO ONE could possibly know what’s right for anyone else.  That was the true meaning and intent of feminism: women should have the CHOICE to pursue their dreams and goals — whatever they may be.

To see women talking about other women with in such a visceral and disdainful way is disheartening knowing the adversity we all face.  That kind of feminism has never seemed to get any of us very far.  And, men don’t seem to give themselves enough credit for being a critical and needed voice in the conversation and solution.  It was sad to see the single, stay-at-home dad of two who apologized for not doing enough.  And, I am still not convinced Forbes Women even likes women.

So, when are we and should we lose the term, “Having it All”?  Shouldn’t we replace it with “We’re in This Together”? Regardless of being a woman or a man, the idea of anyone being able to “have it all” in its very nature sets us all up for someone to come out a winner and the other person a loser.  It does not even remotely focus on how we can solve any of our society’s or personal challenges. Worse, it perpetuates the divisive and hateful argument between the haves and have not’s. And, it gives everyone hiding behind a computer screen name access to the internet to try to assert they are the measuring stick by which we should judge society and ourselves.   Just that shift in language, if you truly embrace it, changes the tone and context of any dialogue about the topic to see each one of our paths are unique, special, and should be celebrated.  And, we ALL have our struggles and opportunities — regardless of being female or male, rich or poor — and how we choose to handle those should be nobody’s business except our own.

Congratulations to Dr. Slaughter for making what must have been one of the most difficult choices in her life!! You’ve just made it possible for so many women to feel OK about following the same path.

And, thank goodness we are in the AV industry!  Sure, we all have our business to do.  But, I feel pretty darn lucky we are an industry that is full of people who are will to help anyone and everyone who needs a hand!