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The Father Problem

My second child – Brady – was born a month or so ago. As you know, I have a daughter, Riley, who is 4 years old.  Ultimately, Brady’s conception and birth have led me (amongst other recent events) on a thought journey around a deeper dive into fatherhood; in particular, the following:

My main thought or question is this – what is it about children or parenting that makes men run away? Or is it relationship issues with the child’s mother that causes men to leave behind the opportunity they have to share their life with their own children?

My father was not a part of my life. He then died when I was 16, removing that opportunity forever. I have an AMAZING stepfather, who was every bit a father to me. However, most young men in my situation aren’t as lucky and that REALLY scares me.

Riley’s mother and I separated when Riley was 1 year old and later divorced about 2 years later. The only thing that kept me from running away to someplace new was Riley. There was never a doubt in my mind that I wanted to forever maintain a relationship – a close relationship – with my daughter. It was hard to be a father alone, but I was unwavering in not allowing the situation to do anything but get better for Riley and I, as her father.

I’ve come to a conclusion that when relationships falter with the women who mother their children, men think that it is easier for them to run away than to stay and face the unnatural challenges of fathering alone. It is scary. We are not born nurturers or caregivers. We are born providers. Thus, it is easier to walk away, write a monthly check, and start over with our lives. Some dads even go as far as to say that their children are better off without them; better off because it only causes schedule problems, that they don’t even like to spend time with them, or that it is toxic to consistently be in the presence of the woman that they divorced or left. The greater tragedy is that it has really come to be accepted for generations and now it is really what a lot of men grow up knowing, and then end up continuing in their own life and likely their sons and so on.

I realize that conflict with the ex-spouse is a huge driver in this as 40% of women admit to interfering with father’s visitation to retaliate against their ex. However, these conflicts wouldn’t stop them from making all sorts of other decisions – why would it solely be to blame for the enormous problem that we have.

I understand how difficult this is for men. Even when we are happily married, love our children and desire to be a good father, we often fail at making the most of our father opportunity. My challenge is not wanting to be a part of my children’s lives, is actually being present (mentally) when I am with them. I’m working to carve out time when I tell the rest of the world “no” and them “yes.” However, it is proven that just by my physical presence, I am doing them a lot more good than harm – period.

I firmly believe that the majority of all problems in the world come from this single issue. Crime, greed, poverty, whatever bad thing you can think of – I can link it back to men not being present in the lives of their children. In fact, let’s look at the awful statistics (most of which come from here):

–63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes – 5 times the average (US Dept. Of Health/Census)
–90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes – 32 times the average
–85% of all children who show behavior disorders come from fatherless homes – 20 times the average (Center for Disease Control)
–80% of rapists with anger problems come from fatherless homes –14 times the average (Justice & Behavior, Vol 14, p. 403-26)
–71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes – 9 times the average (National Principals Association Report)

Not only that but, stats also show that fatherless homes lead to earlier sexual activity and pregnancy, drug and alcohol problems, troubled marriages and relationships themselves, and so on.

It is time for men to be more than men, to fill the role that they signed up for and to be fathers to their children. The more men I meet and talk to about this topic, the more that I find who have had dramatic negative impact in their own lives because of the lack of a father being present.

How do we help men be real fathers?  If you had a father present in your life, call him today and tell him that you love him.  If you have a friend that is a father, tell him how important it is for him to be present in his children’s lives, if you have a friend that is about to be a father or thinks he wants to be a father in the future tell him how valuable he will be in the life of his children even though he might think that his role is nearly insignificant in comparison to that of the child’s mother.

If you are a father, make sure that you let your children know that you love them and will never leave them – and then don’t

 

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