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If I Could Teach You Just One Thing

If you know me at all, you probably realize that the last year of my life has been all but common – the kind of year that will either strengthen or break a person. I decided from the beginning that I would not let it break me.

“We acquire the strength we have overcome.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have, in fact, learned quite a few important lessons. I jokingly tell some that “I’m tired of learning and ready to start using what I’ve learned.” To that, as I reflect, I realize that I have learned and am living the most important thing that has come out of the past year – Nothing matters except the relationships that you have with the people around you, most importantly, your spouse, your parents, and your children.

“Turn your wounds into wisdom.” ~Oprah Winfrey

On June 13, 2010, my only daughter Riley was diagnosed with Hurler’s Syndrome – a devastating genetic disease. This diagnosis would take me on the ride of my life – around corners I never thought possible. And I am sure that the journey is far from over.

Riley’s mother – Allison – and I separated in February 2008 and divorced in December 2009. We had some rough moments, but we worked very well together each as single parents from February 2008 through June 2010. Internally, I was devastated by the events that had transpired in my life to leave me divorced 6 days after my 31st birthday.

Perhaps there is no better depiction for where I was at in my emotional, mental, and spiritual life than to tell you where I was in my physical life when I heard of Riley’s diagnosis. On that June 13, I was on a vacation in Mexico with my 62 year old aunt. That particular day, I was on a boat with 4 men I had never met, 3 of which didn’t speak English. We were deep sea fishing off the coast in the middle of the ocean on a warm morning. I got the call about 11AM. It was Allison, or at least that is what the caller ID said. I could not understand a word she said for the first few minutes because of her level of emotion. She informed me that Riley’s doctors had come back with a diagnosis for some of her issues. The diagnosis was the worst possible scenario and that we might not have our daughter for more than a couple more years. She informed me that she was at the beach with Riley and that she had a few friends coming to be with her. I remember vividly the scene on the ocean and in the boat when I hung up the phone. I have never felt more alone or helpless. I had completely isolated myself from every relationship of significance in my life.

What had happened to my life? What had my selfishness sacrificed over the past couple years? Where was I? How do I get off this boat? How do I get back to Raleigh? How can I save my daughter’s life? Can I some how bargain with God – trade my long life ahead for Riley’s? I’m not talking about needlessly sacrificing myself, but rather telling God to put the pain and suffering on me and my body, let me burden this disease – spare Riley’s innocence.

When we got back to the docks, I immediately went to the computer. Wikipedia confirmed Riley’s death sentence – 8 to 10 years of life expectancy. I stopped reading immediately and with tears went to planning how to get home faster so that I could spend as much of those next years with my little girl. I spent another day and a half in Mexico preparing in my mind for what new life would be in front of me when I exited the plane at RDU. I knew my life would never be the same – not even close. I was determined, in fact, to see to it that I was going to go back and turn my life around – if not for any other reason than to create positive memories with my daughter.

After 3 different surgical procedures, including chest and brain, and extremely destructive chemotherapy, on November 3, 2010, Riley underwent a cord blood transplant (more simply known as a bone marrow transplant because it functions in the same manner as this more common type of transplant). She spent 61 days (during that stay) in the hospital and was released to an apartment across the street from the hospital a few days before Christmas.

She has had 6 surgeries and one additional brief hospital stay since. She still goes to the hospital for treatment about once a week. She is doing great and I am beyond excited to continue to watch her move others around her with her story and her numerous gifts. She has an amazing life ahead of her and I am so happy to be a small piece in what God has in store for her life.

I can promise you that neither Allison nor I could have done this alone. We needed each other for survival. We have watched several other similar stories destroy other families irreparably. We are biologically designed to physically and emotionally need other people. We are built to need relationships. We should all be on a mission to build strong and meaningful relationships with our family and friends. We are not meant to face the challenges of life alone.

For preservation reasons, I have unintentionally blocked out most of my memory of 2008 and 2009; thus, tragically I don’t remember much of Riley’s first couple years of life. However, I have been given a second chance to build lasting memories and impact. I am working harder than ever to use what I’ve learned and apply it to the relationships with those closest to me. There are so few people that will help shape the outcome our lives. It is important for our happiness and even our survival to see to it that we deeply invest in those few people destined to significantly impact each of us.

“If you are not a hero to those closest to you, you are nobody’s hero.” ~Rabbi Schmuley

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